Bill Barr Does Not Have the Figure for Clear Heels

…and Bob Mueller ain’t afraid to say so.

Of all the hoes who proudly strut the Executive Corner in this golden age of political prostitution, I would dare to say that Bill Barr is the biggest whore of them all.

Granted, that is a very competitive category these days. Post-Mattis, Trump’s cabinet is a proper stable, devoid of anyone who even pretends to act in the public interest. All of Trump’s acting secretaries are obsequious, oily toadies of some powerful industry lobby or another, whether it be Boeing’s Patrick Shanahan or hydrocarbon-stan Andrew Wheeler at EPA. They know they’re only there for smash-and-grab regulatory looting, and they’re pretty forthcoming about it. The only sincere convictions among them are John Bolton’s “Do You Want Total War?!” initiative and the general loathing of Guatemalans, neither of which are held particularly dear by Trump himself.

The men (full stop) of the Acting Cabinet never pretended to be anything they were not. Bill Barr, on the other hand, was once a real lawyer, who once served a real president — albeit in a similarly underhanded capacity — but he still made the conscious decision to wade into this open sewer. No one with any credibility to speak of has been willing to go near this administration in some time, but the former A.G. wanted one last taste of the big show. So, he poured himself into a tube dress, rolled up those fishnets, and offered a philosophy of executive power that could be readily perverted to the needs of Trump’s perversions.

Bill Barr took this job explicitly to undo the work of a man he knows to be a dedicated, upright public servant of the highest order. His raison d’être is to betray an old friend at best, and to betray his country at worst (leaning towards the latter). His public role in the administration has been to sandbag the most significant investigation in the FBI’s history, to obfuscate the results, and to act like a smug bitch doing it. He is an Attorney General who has openly forsaken the rule of law, and he doesn’t particularly care what you think about it. A girl’s gotta eat.

Unfortunately for Bill Barr and his campaign of incongruously self-righteous trick-turning, it turns out that the aforementioned public servant is more than a mute collection of photos at past congressional hearings. To the surprise of all Americans — none moreso than myself — Robert Swan Mueller III is an actual person who can speak, and yesterday, that person told America that impeachment proceedings must begin.

Bill Barr has been all too happy to drape his lies in the mantle of the Department of Justice, and everything that used to stand for. It’s why he had Deputy AG Rod Rosenstein and that dude with a beard stand behind him for the press conference where he re-lied about the report, hours before he deigned to let us all read it. He has been imperious and officious in his assertion that he is America’s legal high priest, beholden to no oversight by anyone except the God he hath forsaken, yet he still wears the vestments of an impartial DOJ.

That’s why it was so satisfying to watch Mueller undercut Bill Barr so openly on his own court, sneaking into the DOJ press room on a day that Barr was on the wrong side of Canada to deliver his surgically-worded indictment of his avuncular boss. With the blue drape and seal of the Department of Justice behind him, adorned by nothing more than his trademark suit and the wrinkles carved by a half-century of faithful service to the Republic, he made his true intentions clear, in his own voice. To the President’s obvious horror, we have seen a paragon of credibility stating the plain truth, on video.

Our Pimp-in-Chief got to where he is thanks to his understanding of the power of TV — and as Mueller made clear in his report, thanks to the help of literal sex traffickers — and his flailing since is indicative that he knows how much of a problem Mueller’s appearance was. Trump and Barr played the preemption card well, and gained control of the narrative for a time, but those misleading statements left them vulnerable to condemnation by nothing more than a straightforward statement of the facts. Barr’s laughable pretense of credibility has been shattered. In terms of my overarching analogy, Mr. Mueller booked Mr. Barr for solicitation in full view of the public.

Before I saw that, I didn’t know where I fell on impeachment, at least in the near term. I thought it was an absolute moral, legal, and patriotic necessity, but politics is the art of the possible, and there are still a whole lot of GOP senators on the street getting Daddy his money. Now, after hearing Mueller, my resolve is hardened. I’m not afraid anymore, because yesterday was proof that we still live in a world with consequences. We have a solid foundation on which to start impeachment proceedings, and bring a life of unrivaled sin, crime, and depravity crashing down on its subject, at long last.

As he once did in Vietnam, Bob Mueller has served an ideal of what this country should be, in defiance of a dismal reality wholly unworthy of his honor. Though we cannot help but fall far short of his example, we now have a sacred duty to heed the fruits of his work.

America, it’s time to cut a bitch.

Unverified. Uncredentialed. Unpublished. Uncompromising.

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