#MuellerAnon: Time to Join the Cult, Y’all
Hi. My name is Jack, and I am a devotee of an insane conspiracy theory.
I fit the classic profile of a conspiracy theorist. I’m a disaffected white male in his 30’s who suffers from a host of psychiatric issues, who’s not thrilled with the direction his life has taken thus far, and is subsequently desperate for an unseen, omnipotent force to blame for that disappointment. I secretly think I’m smarter than most people (secretly-ish), but my frustration with the lack of any tangible evidence to that effect has curdled into resentment, and I carry a chip on my shoulder that I haven’t been given the credit I feel I deserve. Long story short, I’m in the core demo for this sort of thing.
[Side note: I don’t have one, but I really shouldn’t be allowed to own a gun.]
I was exactly the sort of person who would find his way to an online community that offered the definitive answers that my frustrating experience of an ambiguous world could not provide, that simplified every gray area into a Manichean conflict between good and evil. I craved any devotion that could iron out all of the complexities, nuances, and petty hypocrisies which define life as it really is, so I could spend my days in smug disbelief that the braying sheep around me cannot see the hidden truths of the world, like I can.
As is usually the case with these things, this took the form of a Byzantine plot that required dozens of actors with disparate allegiances and motivations to swear perpetual silence about their nefarious involvement in major world events. The existence of this plot went against every experience I’ve ever had of two or more people trying to coordinate anything, let alone to keep a secret for more than five minutes. It also necessitated that everyone involved have perfect presence of mind at all times in order to maintain the ruse. I was unbothered by that trifling inconsistency.
The evolutionary purpose of logic is not to find universal truth, it is to rationalize credences that help us fit in with our tribe, and my tribe has been this community of believers. My brain stopped processing any information that conflicts with this obsessive belief system long ago — after all, the corporate media was too chickenshit to print what I knew, and the powers that be wouldn’t let them. What I believe would be completely unprecedented in our politics or history, but I didn’t care. In fact, it would be the craziest thing that has ever happened, but it was still gospel as far as I was concerned.
In short, I believe that our government has been taken over by the bad guys in roughly 70% of action movies. I believe the Russian Mafia won control of our current President and his “construction” business when they took NYC from the Five Families in the late 80’s mob war, and that the KGB started a back-burner operation to cultivate him shortly thereafter. I believe that Trump’s primary vocation was, and is, moving Putin’s money into Western banks. I believe that every building with his name on it is the product of a criminal conspiracy orchestrated by the Bayrock Group. I believe his golf courses layer the proceeds from the sale of children into their greens fees.
I believe everything about him is a lie, and his “flamboyant scumbag” persona is misdirection that hides unthinkable depravity in plain sight. I believe his campaign was a conduit for GRU psy-ops that turned Roger Ailes’ harem, and the existing apparatus of white radicalization and old-people-brainwashing, into a political weapon. I believe that Paul Manafort and Konstantin Kilimnik were Trump’s handlers in 2016, and that they selected Pence, Tillerson, and Wilbur Ross (at the very least) at Putin’s behest.
I believe that Trump’s reason for being in the White House has never been to make America great, or even his own self-edification, but to undo the Pax Americana and all we hold dear, in the name of our enemies. I believe Bob Mueller knows all of this, and that his entire life has culminated in a divine mission to ensure that Donald Trump dies in prison. As of the past few weeks, I believe his crusade has reached the Jordan.
Oh, speaking of the Middle East, I believe Trump & his son-in-law sold our foreign policy to the bad guys from the remaining 30% of action movies (and 9/11) over some sword-dancing and orb-fondling, for which they agreed to cover for the assassination of journalists. Word on the street is that they got $3.6 Billion. We’ll see.
While everyone including Rudy Giuliani is coming around to this way of thinking, I can’t help but marvel at how crazy that is, after all this time. I still feel like a homeless guy babbling on the steps of a public library when I say all that, and I didn’t even include all the stuff about the internet controlling our brains, the Soviet chemical weapons in England, or the blackmail of politicians and religious leaders, let alone the Jews — specifically Chabad, but ‘the Jews’ just sounds more appropriate for obvious reasons. The acid-freak diatribes on the Dr. Bronner’s bottle feel more coherent than the utter madness which has consumed my thoughts for two years, day and night.
It’s really been happening this whole time, and I’ve felt like a dog on the Fourth of July for over a year now. ADHD is an inability to regulate attention or modulate which thoughts go through your head at any given time, so I have no choice but to think about this stuff constantly — it has effectively turned my ADHD into schizophrenia, and it’s really been wearing on me and affecting my ability to live my life.
Like most conspiracy theorists, I’m gripped with an obsession that has isolated me from my family, even though they all hate Trump almost as much as I do. They just don’t think it’s quite that bad, and they were sick of hearing me talk about him a year ago. Notes of pity have crept into the way my brother talks to me, like I’m a raving Victorian mental patient bound for the asylum.
However, there has been someone been laying waste to our world and every sense of normalcy and security that I’ve taken for granted as an American, and I was constitutionally capable of ignoring it. It’s a mania that’s been backed up by intelligence chiefs who served under Trump, legendary investigative journalists, veteran prosecutors of money laundering and organized crime, golf magazines that were around the right idiot at the right time, and John f***ing McCain. Also, a senior employee of a media conglomerate told me that his boss saw the pee tape.
You think obstruction of justice is the problem? Nah, son.
Admittedly, I did come to some of these theories via the same kind of online research that leads otherwise reasonable people to believe that the Air Force is performing sexual experiments on chupacabras, or even worse, to believe in QAnon. The idea that Trump was born into his father’s Genovese front came from an anonymous Twitter account called Lincoln’s Bible (the name is admittedly kind of a red flag) that posts lengthy, oft-ranty diatribes about a galaxy of random organized crime figures, citing random court filings from forty years ago and other wingnut-y esoterica, and she calls Putin a pedophile pretty much constantly: #PedoPutin.
Her feed looks like the mirror image of every alt-right fantasia about Obama’s secret Imams and gimp cages in the Roosevelt Room until you realize that she’s backing everything up. Sammy “The Bull” Gravano really did tell Diane Sawyer that Donald Trump wouldn’t have built a thing without him. She’s basically the Rain Man of organized crime research. Seriously, why the hell was Roy Cohn Trump’s lawyer? Like, it would feel like a major plot hole in The Wire if Maury Levy was handling contract law for Legg Mason when he wasn’t instructing drug lords to murder their subordinates, but we take it at face value that Donald Trump employed a mob lawyer for legitimate business reasons. Why?
In spite of all of this, I have held to hope. Just like QAnon’s adherents, I have maintained my faith that Bob Mueller is secretly working to take down a candidate from the 2016 election, in the name of the Republic and the majesty of the law, in the face of every frustration and setback. Just as those nutjobs still somehow believe he’s sitting on 60,000 sealed indictments, ready to make mass arrests of the Deep State traitors and kick off Helter-Skelter, I feel pretty confident he’s got sealed indictments ready to drop on every one of Trump’s ill-begotten spawn — save Barron, Tiffany, and the maid’s kid, of course. No offense to my misguided counterparts, but a lot of people are already incarcerated on my end, and those ranks are a’ swellin’.
The thing I said earlier about how I stopped listening to anything that conflicts with the theory? That has pretty much never been an issue. Every news break and revelation has made the situation worse, and we’re well past the point where any non-treasonous explanation for the known fact pattern is plausible. My brother, who dismissed the conspiracy as readily as he dismissed the man himself, took the same view that’s given Trump’s better-bred supporters way more comfort than it should have: he is only destroying what generations have built because he’s a cracker-ass Ugly American goon who loves dictators and hates everything we stand for, not because he’s a traitor.
To wit, mi hermano cited the time that those drunk Russian mercs stumbled into our line of fire in Syria and got slaughtered. I get why that felt solid, but the thing is, Russian mercenaries will gladly tell you that their lives are among the cheapest on Earth, and Putin hates Russians almost as much as he hates Russia (to be fair, it is a shithole), so losing 200 of them is worth the strategic advantage of making his usurpation look legit. Either way, the engagement was a tactical blunder by the Russkies, who were immediately disavowed, and as much as Trump got off on indirectly killing some people, that pussy didn’t give the order to fire.
Not that this is an argument I even need to try to win anymore, but Trump goes after everyone who even momentarily annoys him, so if he isn’t Putin’s bitch — frankly, I think it’s more heteronormative that the SJW PC Police try to erase the power dynamics of gay sex when they complain about such metaphors—then how come Putin didn’t get any “Rocket Man” tweets after debuting his cheap-ass rendering of a nuclear attack on Mar-a-Lago? In fact, Trump called him to congratulate him on successfully rigging his election, and the only word that he was even pissed off came from aides who were desperately doing damage control after Trump lauded a dictator. The official transcript of the call made no mention of any show of defiance, oddly enough.
But the West is too strong, and its cause too just, to fall to drunken, nihilist gangsters or their puppets. Trump and his cadre of idiots stumbled into the greatest crime in history and made no effort whatsoever to cover their tracks, because if they knew anything, it’s that it would be really dumb if they won that election. But win they did, and even though the result made it impossible for anyone in the government to take Trump down directly, our legal system has slowly encircled him, piece by piece, conspirator by conspirator, and a grandmaster of the game has our would-be king in checkmate. He’s taken his time, but when you come at the President, you best not miss.
Just as surely as his name will someday erase the stain of J. Edgar Hoover’s from FBI Headquarters, Robert Swan Mueller III is purging the Oval Office of Trump’s corruption and Putin’s influence, and the country he has loved so well, and served so faithfully, will soon begin to heal. Already we appear to be awakening from the nightmare, so all we have to do now is collectively realize how scary that nightmare truly is.
And when that happens, and the truth of what I have said is revealed… I’m gonna dunk on my brother soooo hard. Like, I can practically taste it now.
